


My life, or as I like to call it, the road so far. I'm not sorry for that pun.

by queen_0f_moons



Category: Original Work
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Alex Fierro References, Bend it Like Beckham references, Bengal cats, California, Coming Out, Coming out is not easy, Coming out with acceptance, Complaining about homework, Cosplay, Diary/Journal, Domino - Freeform, Dysphoria, Fall Out Boy References, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Give us Pride month back you bastard, He/Him Pronouns for Alex Fierro, Homophobia, Hot Topic, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I hate school, I have too much, I start panicking, I will not apologize for puns, I'm drowning in homework guys, Its my life, Keira Knightly - Freeform, LGBTQ Themes, Magnus and the Gods of Asgard References, My Chemical Romance References, My fave character ever, Other, Panic! at the Disco References, Paul Simon references, Pray For The Wicked, Pride Festival, Pride Vans, Pronouns, Questioning, References to Merlin (TV), References to Supernatural (TV), School, Seriously Alex is my fav, Sexual Orientation, Shailene Woodley - Freeform, She/Her Pronouns For Alex Fierro, Sherlock (TV) References, So what, Sorry Not Sorry, Swearing, Terrible Allergies, They suck, Trump is a Cheeto haired idiot, Unexpectedly Coming Out, Waldorf - Freeform, Welcome to the Black Parade, Yeah I swear, at the disco, awkward coming out, binder, binding, coming out is scary, coming out to family members, coming out to friends, fall out boy - Freeform, fuck off, i hate them, it makes me feel like I can't breath, lol PANicking, not irl, pansexuality, pride month, seriously, sick, two truths one lie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-05-07 18:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_0f_moons/pseuds/queen_0f_moons
Summary: The semi-daily journal of Alex, a closeted pansexual teen questioning her gender identity. She is going to a Waldorf school where the majority of people are homophobic, including the few friends she has managed to make.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my crazy life. I won't be updating every day, as I need to get some sleep, and because of homework. But I'll try to update as often as possible.
> 
> I'm going to talk quite a bit about the people in my life, so as a privacy measure, I will be using nicknames for them. I'll try to give as little away about them as possible while giving a clear description of them.

I suppose I should give a little background info so you guys aren't totally confused.

This my story, the story that I never tell anyone. The story I keep locked away, fearing what would happen if I tell anyone. But I’m going to tell it, because I’m tired of hiding, tired of lying to everyone about everything.

My name will not be mentioned in this, nor the names or personal info regarding any of my friends or family. As I mentioned in the chapter notes, I’m using nicknames I made up for them. For my name, I am using the name I wish I had and I’m going to explain why, so hold off on the questions.

As mentioned in the summary, I go to a Waldorf school, so if anything I say in here regarding school seems weird, thats why.

Alright, I should probably introduce myself now. My name is Alex, but you can call me Al (I will not apologize for that Paul Simon reference). I live in California with my little sis, my dad, my mom, and my technologically challenged grandma. I have two Bengal cats, Loki and Calliope. I’m a fanwarrior with many fandoms and bandoms. Right now, my biggest ones are, respectively, Supernatural and Fall Out Boy, but that will probably change.

I’m a closeted pansexual questioning my gender identity. In case you don’t know, pansexual means, to quote the New Oxford American Dictionary, not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

I really don’t care about pronouns. She/her/hers, he/him/his, and they/them/theirs are all acceptable. I don’t care if you say stuff like ‘yass queen,’ or ‘you go girl’. I don’t care if you call me dude either, I honestly feel that its a gender neutral word these days.

So yeah, thats about it for now.


	2. 5/20/18

Dear reader,

Today is my first journal entry. Well, here it goes. I finally came out as pan to my mom. I didn't come out as gender fluid (thats what I think my gender identity is rn) because she needs some time to process and understand what I've told her. I've been in the closet since December of 2017. It seems like its been ages since I realized I was pan and genderfluid. Mom was very accepting of me and had a lot of questions. It felt amazing to get that off my chest. She said that she had known for a while, and was waiting for me to be ready.

I wore my makeshift binder for the first time today, which really helps with my dysphoria. I used Tumblr user tomstoast's binding tutorial. I'll post links and a tutorial for this later.

Well, I have school tomorrow, so I better stop for the night. Love you guys and I hope that life is treating you good.

Sincerely,

Alex


	3. 5/21/18

Dear reader,

Can't believe I've updated this two days in a row. I came out to my mom as gender fluid today, though it wasn't quite the way I had hoped to.

It was the stupid binder that gave it away. We had just eaten dinner and were sitting on the couch. She asked if I wanted to go for a walk and I of course said yes, as I didn't want to do my math homework. Mom reached over and hugged me and freaked out because my chest was flat. She started to ask questions and I cut her off, saying I would be outside waiting for her to take our walk.

Normally I would've stayed inside and talked, but my grandmother and sister were both there. I haven't told either of them, because my grandmother is kind of transphobic and thinks that gender fluidity is made up, and I haven't told my sister yet. When I come out to my sister, I want it to be funny. Like if someone says straight, I'll say unlike me. Or tell her that me and the person I'm going as for Halloween have a lot in common; we're both sarcastic, we don't like people, and we're both gender fluid.

Sorry, I got a bit off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was outside waiting for mom and hoping my grandma hadn't noticed mom's outburst. When she came outside I explained that I was wearing a binder to combat my dysphoria. I told her how I was binding and that I had done my research on it and was binding properly etc. I explained what gender fluidity was and how it worked for me. Told her that I didn't care about pronouns, about how somedays I felt like a guy, other days I feel like a girl, and the rest of the time I felt agender.

She wants me to tell dad, but I'm not ready to. She says that he deserves to know and that he'll be really hurt about it if I keep waiting to tell him. I keep telling her that its about me, not about him. I get to chose who I come out to, when, and where. Talking to dad is a little hard as he's at work so much. I feel like I can't talk to him about LGBTQ+ stuff. He's so opinionated about it, and I'm scared that he will think that I'm doing it because its trendy or that its just a phase. I'm not the fucking moon thank you very much.

I'm already unsure of it myself. When I have girl days I start to doubt myself and think that they're right, that its just a phase, that I'm confused. When I have guy days its almost a relief because it reminds me that I know that its not a phase, its who I am. If my dad argues that its just a phase, I'm scared that I might believe him, so when I do tell him, I'll try to tell him on a guy day, that way I won't give in to that idea.

I'm coming out to my friends tomorrow. I'm going to wear my Hot Topic bracelet that says 'let's get one thing straight - I'MNOT.' I have to wait for the moment to be right, and for She-Hulk* to be there. The look on her face will be fucking priceless.

That concludes my entry for today. If you're wondering how I changed the color on the text, don't fret, I will be posting a tutorial on that soon, though it won't be tonight. I'm really tired and I need to sleep.

Love you guys and I hope that you're having a great day.

Sincerely,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *She-Hulk is the nickname I have given to this girl in my friend group who has anger issues. She's a very strict homophobic and transphobic Christian. In other words, she's not my friend and she is going to make coming out an even bigger pain in the ass than it already is.


	4. 5/22/18

Dear reader,

I've updated this for the third day in a row now. This might turn into a daily thing. 

I came out to *AML and **PCL as gender fluid and pan.

We were sitting at a table. I left my bracelet that says 'let's get one thing straight - I'MNOT' on the table where they would see it and I went to put my lunch away. When I came back I saw them whispering. I asked them what they were talking about, even though I knew full well what they were talking about. They pointed at the bracelet. They had only seen the white writing, so I turned it so that they could see the rainbow writing. I had to explain that it was my bracelet, that it wasn't a nerd thing, that I was actually pan and gender fluid.

Neither had a problem with with it. She-Hulk doesn't know. I keep making references to it, but its going straight over her head. *snickers* I said straight. Don't laugh at me, I told you guys that I'm an immature teenager. You shouldn't be surprised by my lack of maturity.

A few people have read the bracelet, but they all think its a Love, Simon thing. I mean, it kind of is.

I know I promised you guys tutorials. I'll get to work on them when I have time. I have loads of homework.

Thanks for reading. You guys are awesome.

Sincerely,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *AML is the nickname I have given to my best friend in my friend group. It stands for Artsy Musical Lover. She's an accepting Christian.  
> **PCL is the nickname I have given to a girl in my friend group. It stands for Pink Cat Lady.


	5. 5/23/18

Dear reader,

I suppose this is going to be a daily thing. I have a lot of stuff I need to get off my chest, and I can't really confide in anyone. This is pretty much my only outlet.

There's this guy on here, [wonderfulmax90](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderfulmax90/pseuds/wonderfulmax90), who's best friend [Sammie lost her job on December 29](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069357/chapters/30190233) of last year. [She got her eviction notice on March 9](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069357/chapters/32034645),[ and was evicted March 21](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069357/chapters/32361606%20), so [please help out](https://www.gofundme.com/help-my-friend-not-die). Anything helps. Even if you can't give money, please at least boost the signal. Its the least you can do.

Sincerely,

Alex


	6. 5/24/18

Dear reader,

Happy Pansexual & Panromantic Awareness and Visibility Day! Shout out to all my fellow pans. You guys matter and you are important. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Today was a bit of a mixed bag. I came out to my dad today. It was a little emotional on my part. He made the dreaded pan jokes; 'Oh so you like _everything_?' 'You make out with pans?'

He asked me how I knew if I was pan. After all, how can I be pansexual if I've never had sex or kissed anyone. If I was straight no one would question me. They wouldn't ask how I knew if I was straight if I hadn't had sex or kissed anyone before.

When I was done explaining everything, I started crying a little he hugged me and asked why. I tried talking but the words wouldn't come.   
Rick said it better than I ever could.

I told him I wanted to get a binder. He said no. I understand that he's trying to protect me, but he doesn't understand that if you're careful, binding doesn't hurt you. Just as long as you follow the eight hour rule, make sure its not too tight, and press your breasts _to_ your chest, as if you were wearing a sports bra.

Maybe if I do enough research, and present the facts to him, maybe he will let me bind. I so desperately want to bind. The dysphoria is killing me. He told me that gender dysphoria was a mental disorder when I mentioned it. You want to know what the dictionary definition is? 'The condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.'

When I'm older, I want to get my breasts removed or have a breast reduction done. I want to have a more androgynous expression, and that doesn't work if you have breasts.

Since we're on the subject of gender identity, mine has shifted somewhat. Well maybe. I think I'm gender-fluid and transgender. How does that work you might ask. Well I'm going to use Alex Fierro from Magnus Chase as an example. Alex is also genderfluid and transgender. She was born male, identifies mostly as female (theres the transgender bit) but sometimes has very _male_  days (theres the gender-fluid bit). For me, its the other way around. Born female, I identify mostly as male, but sometimes has very _female_  days. I do occasionally have an _agender_ day.

Also, since it mentions pronouns, I'd like to readdress mine. I don't really like using _they_ and _them_ unless I'm agender. When I'm female, I prefer  _she_  and _her_ , and when I'm male, I prefer _he_  and _him_. So like Alex, please just prefer to me as he since I identify mostly as male.

“He doesn’t even have a weapon”

“She,” Alex corrected.

“What?” Mallory asked.

“Call me she—unless and until I tell you

otherwise.”

Thats what I'll be telling my family. I want to change my name to something gender neutral. My birth name is so annoying. Its _very_  feminine. I want my name to be Alex. Not because of the character, although she is totally awesome, but because of its gender neutrality, and its a name I've always liked.

Since we're on the subject of gender-fluidity, this is beyond accurate.

A brief description of my closet.

Sincerely,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its probably going to be a few days till I update. I have a sleepover going on on Friday - Saturday for my birthday, even though its been a few weeks since my actual birthday.


	7. 6/4/18

Dear reader,

I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner. Its been a rough week and a half. Schools been a nightmare with homework and whatnot, and I got sick on Saturday.

My sleepover went well. On Friday we ate junk food and watched Black Panther and The Greatest Showman, which by the way, is a great movie. This is me is my new favorite song. On Saturday, we watched music videos, mainly Panic! and FOB. I tried introducing AML to Sherlock, but there wasn't enough time. I probably should've tried Merlin, its more humorous.

Being sick sucks. My nose is stuffy, and I can't hear worth shit. I don't know what the hell is going on with my ears, and that really sucks ass. I hope that it'll clear up by tomorrow. Mom is making me go to school tomorrow, and I have Games (Waldorf name for P.E.. Yeah, I know, it sounds really stupid. Just call it P.E. you idiots. Just to clarify, I'm calling the people at my school idiots, not you guys). I stayed home today because allergies plus being sick equals nothing good.

Wasn't even able to catch up on all the makeup work I had to do. Ah fuck, I didn't do that art project. Honestly, I don't fucking care. I'm sooo past caring rn.

Oh, Happy Pride Month. Well, its not Pride month anymore, Trump didn't keep it, the Cheeto haired bastard. My parents might let me go to the Pride Festival. I really can't wait. I want to wear the Pride Vans I got. They're pretty cool.   
Thats right baby, rainbow soles. Suck it haters!

If my parents let me go to the Pride Festival, I want to go all out. If they do, I'm gonna dye my hair the colors of the pan flag, wear rainbow suspenders, white button up shirt, boy shorts, and my Pride Vans. Or cosplay as Alex Fierro.

Sincerely,

Alex


	8. 6/5/18

Dear reader,

I got my hair cut again. I've been trying out a bunch of different styles, mostly Shailene Woodley and Keira Knightly's haircuts. I have a crush on both of them. Bet you didn't know that Shailene is pan. I was pretty psyched when I found out in March, which ironically was when I first cut my hair short. I had had long hair up until then, but I decided to cut it after I figured out I was pan. I was also just kind of done with long hair. It requires soooo much maintenance and its just a nightmare. Heres the pics of my style:   


Can't wait to see the reactions from the kids in my class. Its gonna be hilarious.

Sorry that I haven't been updating consistently and that these past few entries have been kinda shitty. Love you guys. You're all awesome and I hope you have a good day.

Sincerely,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I promised a HTML tutorial. Schools been pretty nuts. Hopefully I will find the time to work on that. It'll be up somewhere between the 10th and 16th. Sorry its taking so long.


	9. 6/6/18

Dear reader,

I came out to She-Hulk during Two Truths One Lie. Here's how you play. You take turns. Each person says two things that are true, and one thing that is a lie about themselves. Then everyone has to guess which one was the lie. I said 'I'm pan, My favorite color is green, and I'm gender fluid.' She-Hulk was pretty shocked. So were PCL and AML. Both of them didn't know I was gender fluid, even though I told them. I felt a little upset that they didn't remember. I remember everything they tell me, but they never remember or listen to me. Later on they were playing a game to see how well the three of them knew each other and I got almost all of the questions right. They only got about 60% right. It really does hurt that they don't remember.

Oh, so get this. We were talking about me being pan and She-Hulk has a theory as to why me and PCL are gay. Its because we're not Christian. I wanted to laugh so fucking hard. Like lady, seriously? The heck is wrong with you. There are tons of LGBT+ Christians out there. Get your head out of your ass.

My dad said that I can go to the Pride Festival! I'm so psyched. 15 days. Ughh, it seems like _forever_. Oh! Thats also when the Pray for the Wicked comes out (no pun intended). Its the new P!ATD album. I love Panic! so much.

Sincerely,

Alex


	10. 6/7/18

Dear reader,

Today was really kind of a shitty day. It started out well enough. It was the birthday of one of the kids in my class. Her 18(?) year old brother came to school in a unicorn head with Dunkin' Doughnuts for the class. He left after awhile, leaving the unicorn head behind for the kids in my class to mess around with. At the end of the day, I got to wear the unicorn head. Hades Kid* came up with this idea to put your arms in it while wearing it. Gopher** soon followed her lead. Yeah, those two are pretty crazy. In a good way though. Hufflepuff*** borrowed Gopher's year book and wrote a phanfiction in it.

You're probably thinking, 'that sounds really fun, how the hell could this equal a shitty day?' Great question. Hold on tight because things just go down faster than Sherlock jumping off a roof (I'm sorry for that one, I really am). Okay, faster than Dean falling in love with Cas. There we go, happy metaphor! So yeah, back to Alex and the Fucking Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (see what I did there). It was at recess time when things started to go to hel (still not sorry). I was wearing the unicorn head and She-Hulk said she needed to borrow it. So I let her borrow it and the bastard ran off with it. I tried getting it back until finally I snapped. I was done with her. I hated her. She made me fear the thought of coming out. I walked away and ignored her for the rest of the day. I know it seems petty, but try dealing with that kid. She isn't there often, which is great because she's a pain in the ass. She grates on you, and grates on you until you snap. You break. You want to let all your rage out but you can't. So you are stuck with it, unable to get it out. Imagine trying to keep this enormous amount of frustration bottled up inside. You can't ever let it out and no one can know it exists. But its there and it gets fuller and fuller until it bursts. Thats what it feels like. As if that wasn't bad enough, mom was in a foul mood.

Mom has been in a mood all week. Her and dad have been fighting a lot lately. Its really stressful. I'd type more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Night for now.

Sincerely,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hades Kid is the nickname I have given to a girl in my class. She took the demigod quiz several times, and got Hades as her parent each time. She also wears a lot of black. Like seriously, its not uncommon for her to show up wearing all black. I call her Hades Kid irl. It annoys her.  
> **Gopher is Hades Kid's best friend. I'm actually didn't come up with this one. Hades Kid did. I have no clue why. She loves Dan and Phil. She's also a phangirl (the ship for Dan and Phil).  
> ***Hufflepuff is the nickname I have given to a girl in my class who is in Hufflepuff. We used to be friends.


	11. 7/27/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that its been so long since I updated and I'm really sorry if I worried you guys. Its been a really busy month for me and I've been really tired.

Dear reader,

I haven't updated in a while, so I'm just going to list the all the important stuff that happened. The good is going to be in **bold** , the bad is going to be underlined, and everything in between is going to be _italic_.  


  * **School is out**
  * _I got[YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLNzA_Mj-Sv037lS9QEZeiw?view_as=subscriber) on June 8_
  * _I got[Deviant Art](https://www.deviantart.com/alex-fierr0) on June 9_
  * _I got[Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/user/ALEXFIERR0) on June 12_
  * _I got a[Tumblr](https://al3xfierro.tumblr.com) on June 14 (I know its taken me forever, but I finally did it)_
  * **I asked[the-punk-innovator](http://the-punk-innovator.tumblr.com) [how they styled their hair](http://the-punk-innovator.tumblr.com/post/175050811221/hi-there-my-name-is-alex-and-im-genderfluid-I'm) and they posted a [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1u79UxMD-Q&t=9s) on YouTube and mentioned me in it**
  * **I asked[sterling-why](http://sterling-why.tumblr.com) how they styled their hair and they posted a [video](http://sozososo.tumblr.com/post/175243622936) on Tumblr for me**
  * **I went to the pride parade**
  * My mom kinda outed me via Facebook
  * **I watched fireworks on the fourth with my bestie (oh my gosh how have I not mentioned my bestie so far?)**
  * **The 7th was AML's birthday. Shoutout to her for being a great friend. You will always be my Ravenclaw twin even though you are a Gryffindor (deny it all you want, Pottermore doesn't lie). The 7th was also World Chocolate day, which is funny cause AML loves chocolate.**
  * **The 10th was my bestie's birthday. Happy birthday! Shoutout to her for being being an amazing friend. Remember you are valid, important, and shorter than me (all the characters that are based on you in your comic are short. One of them is even called SHORTstorm for cryin' out loud)**
  * **I'm getting medication to help with my anxiety (I can't believe that I haven't mentioned my anxiety before, I'll talk more about that tomorrow)**
  * **My stuff for my Alex Fierro cosplay came on Wednesday. Still waiting on the pants**
  * **My mom said that she's going to work on using they/them pronouns for me**
  * _She's started calling me by a gender neutral nickname for my deadname. I don't really like the nickname because it sounds too feminine to me_
  * **I'm going to get my haircut like[the-punk-innovator](http://the-punk-innovator.tumblr.com/post/166342736936/i-cant-decide-which-shoesthigh-highs-to-wear) in August, right before school starts**
  * **Pray for the Wicked was released and its probably my fav album by Panic!**
  * **Beebo came out as pan**
  * **I got a capo for my ukulele so now I can play Let it Go and annoy AML**
  * **I'm learning how to play Pray for the Wicked songs on my uke, which has become so much easier now that I have a capo**



Any ways, thats all I've got for now. If you want more frequent updates, check out my side blog, [pan-at-the-disc0](https://pan-at-the-disc0.tumblr.com). Stay safe, and eat, drink and don't hurt yourselves. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Alex


End file.
